Now I'm opening it up and sharing the wonders of this land to you. No matter how strange, sick or twisted, it's the world of Plutzenland, and it's all coming to you.
Monday, July 28, 2008
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Inside this issue
OLD WOMAN ROBBED, DISGUISES AS PAPER
An 81 year old woman in San Diego, Massachusettes had her home robbed by bandits on Friday night while she was sleeping. The thieves broke in through the back door, and continued to search through the entire house.
In a crazed attempt to hide from the four men, Ms. Martha Meirs disguised herself as a piece of paper. When sources found her, she had been sliced through her own paper shredder. Law enforcements agree that the bandits mistook her for the object she was disguised as and dropped her in the shredder.
The men got away with her telephone, five thousand dollars in cash, and her wounded dog, Snuffles. authorities are still searching for the men. More on this story as it develops.
-January 5th, 2008
MAN FINDS BLOOD IN HIS PICKUP
Louisville, Oregon- A 35-year old man by the name of Dave Oldstein found a spot of blood on the front seat of his pickup truck today as he went out to heads for town. Dave told the police that the blood looked as if it had been left there, at most, six minutes ago.
When police arrived at the scene, they were surprised to see that the spot of blood left on the seat was not more than two dots, neither being more than two or three millimeters in diameter.
Though the authorities felt it to be unnecessary, Mr. Oldstein insisted that they take a DNA sample. When the DNA sampling was complete, authorities were once again surprised to see that the sample of blood belonged to Mr. Oldstein, himself.
After seeing the results of the DNA sample, Dave Oldstein suddenly recollected reaching into the car four minutes before leaving to grab his watch, and accidentally pinching his finger between the seatbelt strap and the seat, and going back inside to get a band-aid.
Dave's neighbor, Ruth Sleighborn, later told the interviewer "I don't think it's safe to have such a boring town that people must make up news stories from a minor accident."
This is not the first time this kind of this has happened in the sleepy town of Louisville, for just two weeks ago, the front page article in the Louisville Tribune was titled MAN GOES FISHING, CATCHES NOTHING.
BK STEAK DINNER!!
TAKE YOUR GIRLFRIEND TO THE BURGER KING STEAK DINNER!
SHE'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU!
SHE'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU!
WALL-E 2
Pixar animations waste no time in bringing out the sequel, Pg. 3B
HARRY POTTER VS. THE DARK KNIGHT
Hermoine and The Joker. Stolen character? See Page 17
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