MUMMIFIED MURDER VICTIMS FOUND

Burnshire, Oaklahoma- Fourteen mummified bodies were found in the small flat of a 37-year old man on Thursday. Investigators believe that he had been killing and collecting the bodies of his own family members for at least seven years.
Police investigated the apartment at 8:15 Pm, when the man's neighbors, who wish to not have their names identified, called in to the authorities complaining that they smelled a definite odor of rotting bodies emitting from his room. When police investigated, they found the bodies in fourteen homemade wooden coffins, all scribed with Egyptian symbols, a table scattered with old Egyptian mummification equipment, and a wardrobe full of native costumes that were thought to have been stolen from a nearby history museum opproximately nine years ago.
The man, who's name is Charles Raymond-Starsky, was not home when the authorites arrived, but returned while police were still present, after going to buy two large containers of Kosher salt to mummify his two new bodies.
Mr. Raymond-Starsky was brought to a court, where he claimed he was doing right for society by bringing back the old tradition. Mr. Raymond-Starsky will be brought to Burnshire Penitentiary. The bodies will be taken for cleaning and given proper burial sometime next week.

NO NEWS HITS THE HEADLINES AGAIN

Dan Letornez- Writer for THE HEADLINE was once again unable to come up with material for today's article. This story was put in place of Dan's missing tabloid.
When asked why his article was incomplete during publication time, Letornez answered "I just couldn't find any good material. It was all taken by the other writers. Everything that was left was really lame."
Dan's career history shows that this is not the first time his articles have been empty. In fact, it's anything but. Letornez has missed, or procrastinated on his tabloids ever since he was fifteen, working for his school newspaper. In all, Dan Letornez has missed his deadline 37 times. "Not only is he lazy," Said Dan's boss, Harry Turnpike, "He's ridiculously picky about the stories he writes. He won't write about similar stories more than two times in a row, and he refuses to do car accidents or child abuse cases."
Dan Letornez was fired this morning at 11:45, and is being replaced by Bob Gornick, the pervious writer for the local page.

DOMINO SETS BANNED FROM AMERICAN HOUSEHOLDS?

Institute for Crime Research (ICR)- Scientists at the ICR have urged the Senate to pass a new law stating that Domino sets are to be removed from all American homes and forbidden to be sold in markets and businesses. The scientists at ICR claim that through intensive research within the last year, they have proved that the use of dominoes can cause gratuitous amounts of stress, thus leading to a much higher level of crime rate.

"Our studying shows us that 76% of murders and rape are actually committed by normal, urban citizens. 80% of which committed their crimes within a two hour time period after trying to set up an elaborate trail of falling dominoes," Stated Dr. JIm Gretauri, head scientist at the ICR, "Many of these subjects have later admitted to having felt stressed after their dominoes were knocked over by a draft or a clumsy house cat. After hours of working on a trail of dominoes and having the entire project destroyed before your very eyes over and over again, the stress can get to your head."

The scientists at IRC are continuing to push the idea of this law to Senate, and already they have inspired rallies of concerned mothers and old hippie women with nothing else to do, but the Senate has yet to acknowledge their requests.

WASHINGTON MONUMENT DESTROYED BY TERRORIST

Washington DC- The George Washington Monument was destroyed on Sunday by a terrorist who calls himself THE MONUMENTINATER. The enormous structure, standing at 555' 5 1/8" and created from Marble, Granite and Sandstone, collapsed at 6:48 PM due to a lack of support near the base. When detectives searched the wreckage, they stated that the bricks were chiseled away from the inside of the building, though no sign of people entering the building was found on records, besides the usual packs of tourists.

Though the monument fell during visiting hours, nobody was found hurt inside. Authorities believed that it may have been because of the power cut from the elevator during tilt. 

"The power circuits broke loose from the elevator when the structure fell," Stated detective Carl Powell, "This caused the elevator to slide back down its shaft, removing weight from the top of the building, therefore greatly slowing the fall. On it's way down, the top of the monument was also snagged on a wall of the white house, hence breaking its fall."  All visitors were able to be rescued safely.

A note was found later, at the base of the fallen monument. The note, written on a postcard of Mt. Rushmore, read I'M MAKING HISTORY. The SWAT team has been sent to protect the mountain from any destruction. More will be held on this story as it develops.

18-YEAR OLD HIJACKS AIRPLANE FROM SEAT

A 747 traveling non-stop to New York City, New York, via Seattle, Washington was hijacked by an 18-year old man at 9:00 PM on Wednesday. The man, who happened to be an expert in computing and technology, was able to hook up his laptop into his seat's headphone system. From there, he was able to control the motion, speed, and temperature of the airplane, as well as use the plane's movie screens to play a powerpoint presentation to the passengers, describing, in detail, their current hijacking situation.

The plane was turned around, and continued South, destined for Cuba, where, the powerpoint claimed, a troupe of Communists were awaiting it's arrival.

Somewhere in Texas, the plane came to a crash landing, after it had apparently collided with a second 747 destined for Georgia.

The crashed planes were found on Thursday, the hijacked one sunken into a muddy wetland, the on-schedule flight found charred up in a wheat field, after crashing through the house of a local farmer.

The passengers of the hijacked plane were found to be completely unharmed, besides a teenager found in the bathroom, choking on a large joint, and an elderly man, who had had a sudden heart-attack due to the change of pressure during lift-off. The 18-year old hijacker was found, still fastened in his seat, attempting to download videos from the internet. 

When found, the passengers complained to the authorities about the lack of respect shown by the hijacker, the terrible stress they were put under during their situation, and the horrendous page transitions used in the powerpoint. 

The 18-year old hijacker, whose name and identification are yet to be found, will be tried in court on Tuesday for Communist involvement and DVD piracy.

NAZI BELIEF PROVES WORTHY OF ATTENTION?

Leiterhosthen Labs, Munich, Germany- Researchers in the Institute For Religious Sciences (IFRS) claimed on Tuesday that they have found Adolph Hitler's belief of a perfect race of peoples to be, not only scientifically possible, but also a much more reliable source of life.

Scientists in Germany have, for generations, been tracking the lives and events of the Scheiser family. 

"Years of studies have shown that the family's life was much more irritable during the late 1930s and early 1950s, when Ludwig Hans Scheiser married his daughter to a Hebrew, and the same effect when the children were married to Africans in the late 1950s," Stated Dr. Hans Schvein Steinbrooke, "Though, in the early 1980s, when Lisa Scheiser was married to a blonde, caucasian, their life became much more relaxed, and their children grew up to be very polite, well-mannered citizens, not to mention they were also much sexier than their older relatives."

Following this study, a new law has been passed in Germany stating that all men and women above the age of 18 are permitted to have all reproductive DNA removed of all non-Aryan traits. The Prime Minister of Germany has also stated his plans for a future religion Enforcement. Citizens of Germany have also claimed their opinion on the matter:

"I don't know what others may believe," said former American, Brooke Dunchfeldt, "But I think that as long as this thing keeps up, we may not be able to stop the planet from receiving a biological holocaust."

Plutzenland Weekly

Welcome to the PLUTZENLAND WEEKLY NEWSPAPER! In this blog, you'll get to read only the biggest front-page articles that run in the Plutzenland Weekly, a large, world-known newspaper  in Plutzenland, a large land, bigger than our earth, that only exists  in my head! 

Now I'm opening it up and sharing the wonders of this land to you. No matter how strange, sick or twisted, it's the world of Plutzenland, and it's all coming to you.