CRAZED LEPER ESCAPES COLONY, TERRORIZES CITY

Gargascagar Islands, North Syrbet- The Molokai'Iki leper colony has, for generations, been the only home of the excluded lepers of Syrbet. The far-off colony has kept to itself very peacefully over the past six centuries, until, on August 12th, the first member to leave the camp did.
The escape by raft over 200 miles of sea caused an outbreak of the disease in a coastal city called Jambodia. The leper, whom scientists claim, had gone mad with hunger, despair, and cabin fever, a typical insanity which comes over people trapped in a small place over a long period of time, had entered the homes of forty six people, and hugged them all.
When local police looked into the case the next morning, they found that over sixty five people had already been diagnosed with the early symptoms of leprocy, and the disease was still spreading.
Local police were able to track the whereabouts of the terrorist through the city. The leper was in the last cycle of the disease and was beginning to lose body parts at a rapid pace. Police tracked him through the streets, alleyways, and office buildings by following his trail of dismembered body parts. When authorities found him, he was already dead, his body lying in the Ghyshee River, where his body had been pulled up to shore by the current, after he had apparently jumped to his death.
When police arrived in the city, they were able to successfully quarentine the disease, and take the new leper victims to the Molokai'Iki leper colony via ferry, though studies indicate that one civilian attacked by the terrorist was able to leave the city before police arrived. A search has been assigned to catch the infected citizen before the disease is spread.

ORIGINS OF BACK PROBLEMS DISCOVERED

Tenhaum Medical Institute (TMI), Charleston, Vermont- Medical researchers at the TMI claimed to have found a major contribution to back problems in elders. Their theory is that the problems are caused by the process of feeding large amounts of dairy products to infants.
"The problem is the amount of calcium in dairy," said medical researcher, Don Denham, "Being that infants are unable to eat solid food, and most drinks are unsuitable for feeding children under three, most parents turn to milk bottles or breastfeeding.
"But the thing is that milk holds large amounts of this calcium, which is known to help bones grow and strengthen. This is where the problem occurs. As calcium particles reach the vertibrae, the small bones making up the spine, it could create a slight overgrowth within the bone. Although the growth does not actually take effect until about the age of forty-five, can be very serious once it does."
Dr. Denham and his assistants explained that as the bones grow more with age, the space in between individual vertibrae slowly decreases, causing tightness and cramps.
Medical doctors have been attempting to avoid the issue by injecting Anti-Calgenic acid, a calcium-eating solution, into the spinal fluid to decrease the amount of calcium entering the vertibrae.
Even though scientists claim to have found the final solution, many sources contradict this theory. "The only problem with this new injection," says Dr. Streinham, of the Cleveland Medical University, "Is this acid will eat away bone marrow if excess calcium is not available, making the infants' bones weak." Dr. Jamie Streinham insists to instead find a better infant formula that doesn't hold as large an amount of calcium as dairy.

MUMMIFIED MURDER VICTIMS FOUND

Burnshire, Oaklahoma- Fourteen mummified bodies were found in the small flat of a 37-year old man on Thursday. Investigators believe that he had been killing and collecting the bodies of his own family members for at least seven years.
Police investigated the apartment at 8:15 Pm, when the man's neighbors, who wish to not have their names identified, called in to the authorities complaining that they smelled a definite odor of rotting bodies emitting from his room. When police investigated, they found the bodies in fourteen homemade wooden coffins, all scribed with Egyptian symbols, a table scattered with old Egyptian mummification equipment, and a wardrobe full of native costumes that were thought to have been stolen from a nearby history museum opproximately nine years ago.
The man, who's name is Charles Raymond-Starsky, was not home when the authorites arrived, but returned while police were still present, after going to buy two large containers of Kosher salt to mummify his two new bodies.
Mr. Raymond-Starsky was brought to a court, where he claimed he was doing right for society by bringing back the old tradition. Mr. Raymond-Starsky will be brought to Burnshire Penitentiary. The bodies will be taken for cleaning and given proper burial sometime next week.

NO NEWS HITS THE HEADLINES AGAIN

Dan Letornez- Writer for THE HEADLINE was once again unable to come up with material for today's article. This story was put in place of Dan's missing tabloid.
When asked why his article was incomplete during publication time, Letornez answered "I just couldn't find any good material. It was all taken by the other writers. Everything that was left was really lame."
Dan's career history shows that this is not the first time his articles have been empty. In fact, it's anything but. Letornez has missed, or procrastinated on his tabloids ever since he was fifteen, working for his school newspaper. In all, Dan Letornez has missed his deadline 37 times. "Not only is he lazy," Said Dan's boss, Harry Turnpike, "He's ridiculously picky about the stories he writes. He won't write about similar stories more than two times in a row, and he refuses to do car accidents or child abuse cases."
Dan Letornez was fired this morning at 11:45, and is being replaced by Bob Gornick, the pervious writer for the local page.

DOMINO SETS BANNED FROM AMERICAN HOUSEHOLDS?

Institute for Crime Research (ICR)- Scientists at the ICR have urged the Senate to pass a new law stating that Domino sets are to be removed from all American homes and forbidden to be sold in markets and businesses. The scientists at ICR claim that through intensive research within the last year, they have proved that the use of dominoes can cause gratuitous amounts of stress, thus leading to a much higher level of crime rate.

"Our studying shows us that 76% of murders and rape are actually committed by normal, urban citizens. 80% of which committed their crimes within a two hour time period after trying to set up an elaborate trail of falling dominoes," Stated Dr. JIm Gretauri, head scientist at the ICR, "Many of these subjects have later admitted to having felt stressed after their dominoes were knocked over by a draft or a clumsy house cat. After hours of working on a trail of dominoes and having the entire project destroyed before your very eyes over and over again, the stress can get to your head."

The scientists at IRC are continuing to push the idea of this law to Senate, and already they have inspired rallies of concerned mothers and old hippie women with nothing else to do, but the Senate has yet to acknowledge their requests.

WASHINGTON MONUMENT DESTROYED BY TERRORIST

Washington DC- The George Washington Monument was destroyed on Sunday by a terrorist who calls himself THE MONUMENTINATER. The enormous structure, standing at 555' 5 1/8" and created from Marble, Granite and Sandstone, collapsed at 6:48 PM due to a lack of support near the base. When detectives searched the wreckage, they stated that the bricks were chiseled away from the inside of the building, though no sign of people entering the building was found on records, besides the usual packs of tourists.

Though the monument fell during visiting hours, nobody was found hurt inside. Authorities believed that it may have been because of the power cut from the elevator during tilt. 

"The power circuits broke loose from the elevator when the structure fell," Stated detective Carl Powell, "This caused the elevator to slide back down its shaft, removing weight from the top of the building, therefore greatly slowing the fall. On it's way down, the top of the monument was also snagged on a wall of the white house, hence breaking its fall."  All visitors were able to be rescued safely.

A note was found later, at the base of the fallen monument. The note, written on a postcard of Mt. Rushmore, read I'M MAKING HISTORY. The SWAT team has been sent to protect the mountain from any destruction. More will be held on this story as it develops.

18-YEAR OLD HIJACKS AIRPLANE FROM SEAT

A 747 traveling non-stop to New York City, New York, via Seattle, Washington was hijacked by an 18-year old man at 9:00 PM on Wednesday. The man, who happened to be an expert in computing and technology, was able to hook up his laptop into his seat's headphone system. From there, he was able to control the motion, speed, and temperature of the airplane, as well as use the plane's movie screens to play a powerpoint presentation to the passengers, describing, in detail, their current hijacking situation.

The plane was turned around, and continued South, destined for Cuba, where, the powerpoint claimed, a troupe of Communists were awaiting it's arrival.

Somewhere in Texas, the plane came to a crash landing, after it had apparently collided with a second 747 destined for Georgia.

The crashed planes were found on Thursday, the hijacked one sunken into a muddy wetland, the on-schedule flight found charred up in a wheat field, after crashing through the house of a local farmer.

The passengers of the hijacked plane were found to be completely unharmed, besides a teenager found in the bathroom, choking on a large joint, and an elderly man, who had had a sudden heart-attack due to the change of pressure during lift-off. The 18-year old hijacker was found, still fastened in his seat, attempting to download videos from the internet. 

When found, the passengers complained to the authorities about the lack of respect shown by the hijacker, the terrible stress they were put under during their situation, and the horrendous page transitions used in the powerpoint. 

The 18-year old hijacker, whose name and identification are yet to be found, will be tried in court on Tuesday for Communist involvement and DVD piracy.